For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Jan 16, 2009

Rebirth Ceremony

This topic has the potential to be highly triggering. Please use your best judgment if you are in the early stages of healing from DID before reading further. I'm sharing this information because it may help make sense of partial memories or fears. My first insight into this ceremony was from the brochure provided by the Ritual Abuse Task Force (Los Angeles?) in the late 90s. One of my earlier collages depicted the ceremony exactly as outlined yet had made no sense to me looking at it. You can see it had no overt horror elements. I had believed from the images that it took place in Holland where my parents took me on a "special" trip without my sister. We lived in Germany at the time.

The words are blurred but become legible if you click on it to enlarge. The vultures are speaking about a dead carcass and the "ad" at the top right speaks about a sheep's uterus. The lower portion of the collage is blatantly classical music and time which goes with conditioning. All intentional horror has a specific purpose in organized pedophilia.

Recently I read another description of the ceremony from a therapist whose survivor clients had recalled greater details. Basically, the young child is placed inside the body of a large dead animal. Since I have always been tiny, I would not be surprised if the animal of choice for me was a sheep even though some believe only specific animals are used. A sheep is not one of them which is why I don't rely on one definition for anything in this underworld.

The child is sewn inside the carcass for a period of time for horrific isolation. In one of the descriptions I read, the purpose was to create an alter to be the loyal cult alter. However in both my earlier collages of Holland and the one I completed last night, I created alters to comply with sexual abuse. Did I say I was 3?! I have maybe five conscious snapshot moments of that trip. One was seeing the bunnies at the zoo. Another was the beautiful view of Kuchenhoff Gardens with rows of tulips as far as the eye could see. They were bands of color. Red tulips for acres, then yellow, and other colors followed.

Yesterday I found a pretty image of the gardens with windmills in the background that I thought I might use. When I began to collage, I went immediately to that image. What happened next I watched from the background as "collage person" went to work. The sea of red tulips became a blood bath. Alters covered in "tulips" emerged completely traumatized. A rabbit managed to get in there along with several who watched from above. When the collage was nearly done, I looked at it and was so repulsed by it but kept trying to add more horror elements which I kept deleting. Enough was enough. I got the message. It was horrific and unbearable.

I must have produced a cluster of alters both from the trauma and those that were meant to be produced. These new collages since my fusion match up to much sketchier collages from early healing. All I knew from that Holland trip was I was taken somewhere, sexual alters were created, and porn movies were made. Testing the new alters?

I'm not going to share the collage here. You can see it at my Polyvore page if you wish. I think it's too much to share openly. What I understand about yesterday's collage is the ones inside who remember have that horror of being enclosed in the carcass seared into the trauma memory. Yes, I was a very special child for my parents to have taken me on that trip for quality time.


Anonymous said...

I've often gotten the sudden vague urge or impression that I am (or want to be) inside another person or animal...sometimes I can feel the "ribs" (not that I knew what it was)and get flashes of seeing red and black.

Its not a nice feeling (understatement of the century,) its like it eats me up from inside and then I'm smothered and trapped.

What you have written here has made perfect sense of this feeling that has plagued me for years.

Thank you. It's so good to know I'm not the only one and to fill in another peice of my puzzle.

Grace said...

Validation is so bittersweet, Anonymous, but am glad you got an answer. It has been my experience that we can never logically figure out where the feelings come from because our brains just don't think such evil. Am grateful for my DID that these kinds of traumas feel like they happened to someone else. It's awful that at least one of me had to actually live it. Thank you for reading my blog.