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Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Oct 30, 2008

Scrambled memory

**Extra trigger warning for unhealed survivors**

About ten years ago, I began to remember bits and pieces of my sisters being part of the dissociated world. Apparently it was not okay for me to remember back then. What happened is similar to spinning with words. It's messages flying in all directions inside that create tremendous confusion. It was very distressing. The confusion, for me, went something like this:

If I have internalized parts of my sisters, does that mean my alters go with their memories (my witnessing things that happened to them) or with things that happened to me. I mean was I watching or a part of it? Is it an internalized part of my sister that is being hurt? Whose memories are these? It circled around in many variations until I didn't know who was me and who wasn't.

I discovered that the Peter Pan character names went with one sister and Alice in Wonderland went with another. For what it's worth, I also found Winnie the Pooh and Disney movies deeply entrenched in my system. When my older sister had her first child, as a baby gift, I gave her the complete set of Winnie the Pooh to read to her baby as our father had read to us. Years later I was to find out that I was being molested while he read to me as a very young girl. Apparently I was sending my sister a message with that gift but I have no idea what. Sorry, I think I meandered off topic slightly.

Early in healing I saw my therapist twice a week...more when needed. She got me to a place where my mind was quiet. I told her I wanted to send back the parts that did not belong to me to where they belong. As I told her that, I saw a floating leaf. Tinkerbelle and Peter Pan got "on board" and floated far far away. I think other entities that were assumed unwanted guests were invited to return to their original person safely or choose to go into a healing place where I could not hear their thoughts. I had no problem after that. Did they really go away? I have no idea. But it stopped the scrambling.

Fastforward to yesterday. My mind is still processing the meaning of my memory. Any major memory tends to slowly go through the mind (my perception) making all the connections that had been missing previously. As that happens, I will have "aha" moments rather spontaneously. Of course, each "aha" moment will be an eek or sometimes a gasp. Yesterday I had an OMG! Today, as kind of a post memory component, I began to have similar confusing messages about my little sister as had happened ten years ago. Does that mean everything that I believed happened to Leelee (as one of my alters) really happened to my sister and Leelee internalized it? Or did the perps intentionally create part of me that was my sister to torment internally as well? When I got to the point of my head hurting, I was able to pull back from what was happening and realize I was beginning to "scramble".

By knowing what it was and pulling back, it stopped. I sort of told "it" that it didn't matter who actually was the victim--one received and one witnessed. Both created deep emotional pain and I needed for me to heal. It's possible that since this memory had to be tucked away for so long, the spinning and scrambling just happened to go with it whenever it surfaced--a package deal. I'm so grateful to be able to handle the horror in a more timely manner these days and to have the coping skills to pretty much step out of anything that's happening and be my own analyst.

I'm sharing this in hopes if any of you happen to run into it, you might recognize it as just something that needs to be undone. Any container coping skill is good--put the confusing thoughts in a box until you can see your therapist. You could also work to undo it much the same as spinning. Who is in charge of confusing you? Or do 1, 2, 3 magic. Poof the confusion stops or the ones giving messages are magically placed in a soundproof booth. Your mind will have an amazing solution. Trust that will happen for you.


kamelyun said...

spinning, floating, scrambled... all words I've used to describe my internal experience yet never found anyone who actually knew what I was talking about. when I feel scrambled it is more like all my thoughts and feelings are thrown into a food processor and chopped up into small incomprehendable phrases. i have a hard time having a complete thought let alone trying to converse with someone in a logical coherent manner. it usually leads to flooding for me. thanks for the ideas. hopefully one will help.

Grace said...

Wow, you gave a great explanation. Yes, trying to say what's going on is unintelligble... Struggle to talk. Blips in brain when when trying to speak of it. It is a type of flooding definitely. Coping skills. Can never have enough of 'em.