Illusion of consciousness

Thought this was interesting. Have done this many ways beginning with my old collages. It seems to have more impact with the Polyvore collage:


Illusion of consciousness - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I'm beyond 100 collages and seem to be moving toward the earlier memories. Not very settling. Still feeling frozen to refocus on any other project until the fusion "flood" is documented. Please forgive my long delays between posts.

An expert explains Tara and DID

Showtime went the extra mile by producing an informative and entertaining interview with an expert on DID about the lead character of The United States of Tara. The interview is on Showtime's website. The International Society for the Study of Trauma & Dissociation (ISSTD) also went the extra mile by devoting part of their website to the Showtime television series.

Dr. Richard Kluft is viewed as one of the country's foremost experts on DID. He provides balance to Tara (entertainment and creative value versus reality). In Grace Uncensored I have expressed my view that it is not often someone with DID will have such dramatic switches. Dr. Kluft confirms my insight. He also provides realistic statistics about the prevalence of DID. Personally, I love his comments at the end of the video relative to what he hopes the audience takes away from the series.

Some dialog on the show alludes to Tara going off medication which had been keeping her alters in check because the medication made her feel zombified. In reality, there is no medication that controls alters. However, if someone with DID is given medication so strong that it does "zombify" (misdiagnosed DID treated with medication for schizophrenia), it can have the impact of shutting the person down. A person with DID cannot heal unless alters can be active. As Dr. Kluft explains, most with DID go through life without ever being detected as DID because changes are so subtle. Perhaps that aspect will be explained or corrected in a future episode through collaboration with the consultants.

In watching the previews for future shows, Tara definitely reveals the emotional pain and anguish that goes with having DID and trying maintain a loving marriage and family. The show has minor flaws but overall is educational, touching, and entertaining. It does not make light of DID as some had feared. Bravo to Showtime!

Alters who speak other languages

The thought just occurred to me that possibly what others used to call "speaking in tongues" was DID with an alter speaking an actual foreign language. Anyway, I spoke of needing a German and Russian dictionary to fully understand some of my collages and internal clues. I would hear a word repeatedly in my head. Sometimes it would sound like an English word. If not, I'd check both dictionaries. It's possible one of me knows French, but that has never been confirmed. The first three years of my life were in Germany and I have no doubt I had German and/or Operation Paperclip "trainers". The words that came up were single words or a short phrase only. Something a young child could understand.

I've relayed this next bit of my history before but is worth repeating here. I was determined to enter the military. In 1972, I was successful in being accepted into the Air Force despite my lack of 1/2" height. Career choices were not made until about the fourth week of basic training. My recollection is auto mechanic, file clerk, or Russian interpreter. I'd been a secretary and wanted more adventure than a mechanic, so I chose the latter. I had no conscious knowledge of Russian. The first day of class we were given a language test to see our level of comprehension, if any. I scored an 85. The next closest score was in the 60s. Everyone stared at me. I was clueless. At the end of the course, I was told that, at the time, I spoke with the best Moscovian accent the school director had heard before by an American. Always got good grades in school so didn't think much of it.

Fast forward to the late 90s when memories began and I discovered a system of Russian alters. I still don't know when I actually learned the language in my dissociated world. I'm fairly positive I was in Russia for "space camp" when I was 11 turning 12 (end of 1964).

I'm confirming that other multiples who recall "knowing" another language without ever taking conscious lessons is not a far stretch at all. In my memories, FWIW, the U.S. was cooperating with Russia in 1964 even though the rest of the world believed there was a Cold War. My reality of history is very different from the written version.

If you are a survivor and see words in collages in a foreign language, don't dismiss them, especially if you see the language turn up over a period of time. Communication Arts is a good source on that topic because they have annual photography and illustration issues with submissions worldwide. Next post (if I remember to check here) will be about what you use as images. The collage "Project Mayhem" which appears two posts before this one has the words "everything matters". That is very true for our healing process.

Change can be good

Fusion is new territory for me so the blog is hopefully educational for many. After a month of continuous visual messages and collages that I don't understand all or part of any message, today was different in a good way. I began to receive direct messages. The internal voice or the answer "landing in my head". I'm wondering if acknowledging Easel as the lovely alter doing the collages was part of that change? Would like to share the answers from this morning.

On my art blog, I had a post revealing Easel from the time she was a young girl. The collages showed me she was a very little girl but I also know her abuse began as a baby. The post made to the art blog immediately preceding Easel was a collage I had of my effed up f*ther. He's sitting on a tiny little island painting on an EASEL! Look at that inner strategy! Also, the first three letters of Easel's name are his initials. Knock me over with a feather.

Speaking as a spectator of my own (Easel's) collages, I was blown away by Zen Space, also posted on the art blog. I connected no trauma to the image. My SO's first response was "stairway to heaven". This morning's message was quite profound. The collage is a perfect example of Stockholm syndrome--why captive children may not flee even if given an ideal opportunity. Here is the collage followed by the explanation.


Zen Space by grace2244

The woman appears oblivious to the stairway behind her. In fact she seems oblivious to the beautiful sky behind her. She is focused on the lovely blossoms. She has wings but they aren't large enough to fly. It's difficult to tell but the wings are torn just behind her back. They wouldn't work even if they were larger. She has no curiosity to explore the stairs. If the stairway is an indication of "going to heaven" or suicide, that is forbidden. Even though survivors of organized abuse are plagued with messages of suicide when healing begins, while we are "useful" to the underworld, running away or escaping is under threat of awful consequences. And suicide is under the dire consequences of several innocent or loved ones being killed.

It's easier to block out the rest of the world, to include beauty and escape routes, than to see what we can't have. Pretty picture--powerful message. Stay or suffer beyond comprehension. Don't even think about it. Am watching the special coverage building up to tomorrow's inauguration. It's all about change and excitement. Am pleased with the change in me today.

Project Mayhem Resolved

Wow. Doing that collage with the cigarettes has had some immediate results. I was wondering why I couldn't stop it myself since I knew what was being done. Plus, I got the name of "collage person". I posted a series of her pictures on the art blog awhile ago. Her name is Easel. I know. Slap self on forehead. She goes with art. The little blond girl who has appeared in several collages who I thought was a young Janie was Easel. You can see from my many images of Easel that she is always with short blond hair and has those delicate facial features.

Even though it sounded silly as I was asking inside, I wondered if we just couldn't have a "no smoking" policy so I wouldn't be "burned" again. My always knowledgeable protector indicated by knowing the answer, it was now undone. He also noted how brave Easel had been to show me the answer.

This morning I started off with loud high pitched screams because of the blister. After speaking to my SO about my internal conversation, I realized that the pain didn't even evoke an eek. It's sore but on it's way to resolving already.

This is the part I couldn't make up if I wanted to. Early programming was in Germany and spoken in German. I've kept German and Russian dictionaries near me through my healing since realizing I had clues in those languages too. Easel goes with artist in English but "esel" in German means ass--which is the site of my pain. I don't know if it was a cigarette or something like a cigarette. But some kind of probe was used to burn me.

Fight Club goes with fires and a photo shoot prior to the release of Fight Club had Brad Pitt with fires and a bunny! It all goes together in a very complex puzzle in a way nothing else could go together. The proof will be if I ever have blisters again in "that" area of my body. With all the memories and truth coming out now, that would be a much welcome relief. I thought it was neat that collaging led directly the undoing of this previously unending painful problem. Yes, alters can be trained to do all kinds of things to the body. Typically that's reserved for very sophisticated programming, which, unfortunately, I had.

I'm very happy that Esel is now officially Easel and expressing herself beautifully. I guess that might sound conceited but I'm actually very proud of "her", who I know is making herself known as part of healed me. The United States of Tara is at 10 p.m. My hopes are way up for the series. Please watch if you have Showtime to gain an understanding of multiples. The show can go a long way toward erasing the horribly negative image we survivors have and continue to endure.

Project Mayhem

Some may recall the movie Fight Club. The storyline includes Brad Pitt as an alter of Edward Norton. From my perspective, the entire movie looked like the inside world of someone who was multiple. I'm not sure all main characters smoked, but both Brad Pitt and Helene Bonham Carter's characters were chain smokers. Brad, as Tyler, begins Project Mayhem to raise hell with the city government (as I recall). Why am I talking about Fight Club?

A recent post in Grace Uncensored spoke of the cigarette and/or cigar burns that occur as body memories and have never stopped throughout my healing. I recall having painful "sores" before memories. I just didn't tell anyone I had a problem I couldn't explain. My therapist and I agreed to work on undoing any residual programming in case the burns are the result of a kind of self-harm conditioning. That would mean an alter or alters are creating whatever chemical responses in my body are necessary to cause the painful blisters that always are in my genital area.

Last night I felt a blister begin in a very painful spot. I'm angry today that I haven't been able to stop this before now. With all the collages, I wondered what would happen if I just started putting pictures of cigarettes and cigars on a blank collage page. Not that anyone needs to understand the meaning of everything, but I was able to see the alter who is responsible for the burns or who has the answer to stop it. The burning of my very sensitive orifices began shortly after I was born, if not immediately after my birth. It may have been the first consistent trauma (painful sensation) to cause a split.

I couldn't get the answer by asking inside, but those with the answers in fused me were able to show me who was responsible for my distress and much more with art therapy. I'm still in awe of the synchronicity of finding Polyvore website so soon after the fusion but before the new brain connections began to overflow.

Clearly, you can see from the collage, it was not okay to be a girl.


Project Mayhem by grace2244

Sophisticated conditioning

We are now into the forbidden part of the Forbidden Topic. We have been just by my presenting this topic. But I can't go further without shifting into the language that goes with it. I would hope those wanting to learn about this underground have absorbed sufficient information (and done your own research) to understand how devious and despicable the world of organized pedophilia is to children.

The word I've been avoiding in the blog now has a time and place. If you accept that this underworld has proven techniques to deliberately create a child with multiple personalities, then you can at least consider the possibility that more sophisticated methods exist than to terrorize children and make porn movies along with other categories of child exploitation.

What would benefit an organization that wishes to remain hidden when it is committing crimes? People who are part of the organization in strategic positions is essential. Not all judges and police and attorneys general are pedophiles, but it is known by the organization who is "one of them". Damage control by letting cases get lost in a pile or dismissing charges on technicalities or other means are available, to include attacking the victim's sanity for believing such things are happening.

What about training for the victims? What would benefit the organization? Employees within child services organizations is one area where an alter can keep an eye on cases and follow orders to remove certain files and/or copy certain documents. For an even broader scope, think of any government agency. Remember spy vs. spy in Mad Magazine. One agency wants to know what is happening in another agency. No one wants to be caught though. By having conditioned alters respond to cues for gathering or relaying information, the organized crime has the perfect set up. If the victim were to be caught in the act of stealing or doing something with files against company policy, an alter with no knowledge of the covert activities would present and truly have no idea about crimes. The employee would successfully pass a polygraph test. And if the victim of the programming were to be caught "red handed", no one in the organized crime arena could be identified.

What about insider stock tips? What if a victim subject to this kind of programming (which some call mind control) were trained to relay information covertly in an alter state so the host of the body were clueless about any illicit activities?

The amnesia is the greatest and most reliable cloak for the underworld. Since memories won't surface for decades, what does it matter? Except that the underground world has continued in those decades producing more and more children with dissociative states.

I've alluded to system structures and names used for different systems or parts of a system which correspond to types of alters. At this point, I think it's time for me to take that leap into the very hidden world of programming. I don't know how I was conditioned, but I know what happened to me. I've come to understand some very complex and sophisticated programming that serves to both devastate and simultaneously create extremely loyal alters to the group.

The underground military and government centers where programmers are trained and victims in the more sophisticated groups are taken periodically for specialized training do exist and is ongoing. I am uncertain about local places where I may have been taken for sophisticated conditioning, but am 90% positive of certain locations, especially those I have visited since memories surfaced.

The term mind control tends to frighten people but when a child learns to obey adults with great power over them and are continually threatened with their life, they are controlled children. They live in fear of not obeying. Conditioning is a kinder term and maybe more digestible. Programming seems most suited for what is happening. The abusers want a specific response by a specific alter under certain conditions. This can be expanded to back up alters or a group of alters, each with a job, working to complete a specific task. In the end, a crime has been committed (even if the commodity is only information) for which the victim has no conscious memory.

What can be more evil than viewing any baby born into this world as a new commodity ripe for conditioning? That's what we survived...we being survivors collectively. This is what I survived and now am able to share. All that remains is for good people to listen and to act.

Rebirth Ceremony

This topic has the potential to be highly triggering. Please use your best judgment if you are in the early stages of healing from DID before reading further. I'm sharing this information because it may help make sense of partial memories or fears. My first insight into this ceremony was from the brochure provided by the Ritual Abuse Task Force (Los Angeles?) in the late 90s. One of my earlier collages depicted the ceremony exactly as outlined yet had made no sense to me looking at it. You can see it had no overt horror elements. I had believed from the images that it took place in Holland where my parents took me on a "special" trip without my sister. We lived in Germany at the time.


The words are blurred but become legible if you click on it to enlarge. The vultures are speaking about a dead carcass and the "ad" at the top right speaks about a sheep's uterus. The lower portion of the collage is blatantly classical music and time which goes with conditioning. All intentional horror has a specific purpose in organized pedophilia.

Recently I read another description of the ceremony from a therapist whose survivor clients had recalled greater details. Basically, the young child is placed inside the body of a large dead animal. Since I have always been tiny, I would not be surprised if the animal of choice for me was a sheep even though some believe only specific animals are used. A sheep is not one of them which is why I don't rely on one definition for anything in this underworld.

The child is sewn inside the carcass for a period of time for horrific isolation. In one of the descriptions I read, the purpose was to create an alter to be the loyal cult alter. However in both my earlier collages of Holland and the one I completed last night, I created alters to comply with sexual abuse. Did I say I was 3?! I have maybe five conscious snapshot moments of that trip. One was seeing the bunnies at the zoo. Another was the beautiful view of Kuchenhoff Gardens with rows of tulips as far as the eye could see. They were bands of color. Red tulips for acres, then yellow, and other colors followed.

Yesterday I found a pretty image of the gardens with windmills in the background that I thought I might use. When I began to collage, I went immediately to that image. What happened next I watched from the background as "collage person" went to work. The sea of red tulips became a blood bath. Alters covered in "tulips" emerged completely traumatized. A rabbit managed to get in there along with several who watched from above. When the collage was nearly done, I looked at it and was so repulsed by it but kept trying to add more horror elements which I kept deleting. Enough was enough. I got the message. It was horrific and unbearable.

I must have produced a cluster of alters both from the trauma and those that were meant to be produced. These new collages since my fusion match up to much sketchier collages from early healing. All I knew from that Holland trip was I was taken somewhere, sexual alters were created, and porn movies were made. Testing the new alters?

I'm not going to share the collage here. You can see it at my Polyvore page if you wish. I think it's too much to share openly. What I understand about yesterday's collage is the ones inside who remember have that horror of being enclosed in the carcass seared into the trauma memory. Yes, I was a very special child for my parents to have taken me on that trip for quality time.

The Key

Am at collage 54 in 25 days. My therapist saw them today. We both agreed it was best to allow the driven process to continue because of such information overload. It has to come out somehow and this is safe. The survivor collaging group is growing nicely and the power that comes from the art is just stunning. With permission of the artist, I'm sharing this recent work with you. It's such a powerful statement of ones inside feeling trapped.


key by meshells

"Key" is the perfect title.

Art to deflect memory overload

I've been stuck in collage land for 23 days, with a total of 51 collages as of about 2 a.m. They are pouring out of me. I haven't been posting about it because it will be different for everyone--what they see. How they put things together. But I could already see I was using the same images or elements in several collages. I had them print out so I could move them around like a puzzle.

About three of them have similar words as well as the same littles. The word "obey" ties several into one memory. If I take another component and match all the collages with that, it's a different message. Whatever new brain connections are being made, it's happening fast and needs to get out. I would be overwhelmed with flashbacks or talking in the background if I didn't have this tool right now. You can see from my "production" level that my brain is bursting with new information.

Some is very sad. Some are answers I don't really want but suspected. At the rate I've been doing them, I would think it would be too much for someone to be THAT creative to make up this stuff and consistently relay the story of my past. I did something unusual today, or at least I thought it was. I showed my real life time line...each place I lived, the elementary school (I have no idea why I remember that), and something that went with that time in my life. Ballet and gymnastics went with my life from age 3 until 12. Gymnastics dominated my high school years.

Anyway, I have two real life collages depicting from birth through the Air Force after finally moving out of my house and away from my manipulative controlling father at age 19. The rest of my life is represented as a simple job behind a desk and my travels. Very neat collages. That was followed by one of my memories after the amnesia broke down and it looks like a mess. There are so many elements in it.


Memories by grace2244

Those two real life collages is what I thought my life was. Simple, boring, regular, neat, organized. I guess some of my rage at this happening to me is starting to show. Wonder how much longer I will need to get this new fusion stuff out. I miss doing my blog posts. Wanted to let you know what was going on. I think the puzzle aspect to the collages is really neat. They were not done in any particular order yet some of the later ones actually go with the earlier ones. Strange process.

Please remember there is now an Adult Survivors of Abuse group on Polyvore if you would like to try your hand at expressing yourself through collages. We have 11 members now. Hope to be back soon on a more regular basis.

The power of art therapy

I've been sharing my own collages since my integration on the Art Journey blog. I've also started a group for Adult Survivors of Abuse to display their trauma/healing art. Am always amazed at the power of seeing the images...how much it says...how much I feel observing another's feelings shared in that manner. If you've been on Polyvore, some people are very sophisticated at creating art. Survivor art is about expression with as few or many pictures/words needed. It doesn't take much to express a feeling in art when it might be severely uncomfortable to express in words.

I wanted to share this recent entry for my group. It's simplicity screams the emotions. The artist is the author of the blog, Augusta Speaks.


Untitled by AugustaII

Art therapy is a great resource whether with cut out pictures from magazines, your own personal photos, hand drawn, anything with which you can be creative. Beware, Polyvore can be addictive.

FYI, I've found a great support group for Child Abuse Survivors. Feel free to check it out. Lovely people.

Insights about integration

So little is documented about this final phase of healing. Am sharing in hopes it might help others now or in the future. I've been stuck in collage land at Polyvore.com. I think all that knowledge that is supposed to become known following fusion (final phase of integration where the memories feel like *mine*), is coming out through images. My once system was very expressive with images the first few years. Now I'm being shown the different systems I had.

There isn't a balance of brain time yet. The reality is that the person who was me integrated into the healed adult core...as healed as one can get, I guess. Still have some issues. I know Jane came out to blog. I think the collages are coming from who was Raven because she knows most of the abuse and the system. Or maybe it's my inner wisdom taking over. Since I discovered the collage site, I zone out for 6 to 8 hours at a time. Anything that needs to be done for the house or me gets blocked out. I need time share.

Yesterday I used the following example to explain what happened. It used to be like living in a dormitory. I knew some of the people across the hall, sometimes talked to them, sometimes overheard them. Now we all live together in one room trying to get along and figure out how to agree on a schedule of whose priorities are most important so I can do my blogs and do healing energy work and still do a collage. Eventually the separateness will "gel" (I hope). Actually feels more multiple during the settling in period after integration...at least to me. After three times, guess I can say I'm experienced on the topic. *snork*

Have been sleeping 7 to 8 hours a night but am staying up later rather than going to bed earlier. Has been more like 4 to 5 a.m. rather than 2 to 3 a.m. Have to figure that one out. Then there's just how to live as only a little bit multiple. Brain processes are greatly slowed right now. Realize I'm being more open with family. Possibly the one who has felt free to speak of being DID and multiple online now has a literal voice. Not sure if that's a good thing. I do know healing is good and am grateful for the healing milestone. It's just not an instant good thing.

Am relieved to be beyond Christmas and have only slight anxiety about New Years. I do wish for a very different 2009. One that has health, fitness, more focus and a new practice with a lovely office to return to psychotherapy. Oh yes, and more moments of joy than sadness. A reasonable goal.

Healing of the Christmas trauma

If you saw my collages Christmas Ballet and Happy Holidays at the Art Journey blog, you could see something terrible must have happened. The ballet collage was about a conscious memory I had of performing at age 3 in front of an audience. Pink tutu, ballet shoes. I sang "The Hokey Pokey". I have no memory of learning the song and dance (ballet and some somersaults) beforehand and I have no memory of anything after the performance. My collage connected that performance to maybe Christmas eve, but at least some kind of Christmas recital. For what? I didn't go to nursery school as we know it. The important message I got was that the date my sister "was killed" was Christmas Day.

Then came the Happy Holidays collage which clearly showed a huge disturbance and some kind of horrific trauma. I felt better after doing that particular collage but was happy to have my therapy appointment today. I was able to print out the collages for her. After telling her about my awful week, we decided to check inside to see if anything else needed to be resolved regarding the alters who recall that Christmas. It would have been the last Christmas Jane remembered so, in addition to littles being terrified, Jane is not so sure either.

As I went inside listening to my therapist, she asked if anyone needed help to heal who helped do the collage. I instantly sensed my entire Happy Holidays collage was a place inside me where everyone was still stuck in the trauma. I could feel the frozen fear. It was me. I was there. That "magical" moment when I am getting the memory and feel connected to it. It's the way therapists have stated someone healed from DID will feel. T asked what needed to happen get them out of that horrid place which was a bathroom but had the feel of something more industrial. I saw what happened inside before I had my own idea. We made a doorway into a beautiful spa where each was greeted by a caretaker or protector to help them clean off the yuck, give them warm fluffy robes and slippers, let them lounge comfortably, and have hot chocolate.

I could see them file out one by one. At least 10 were represented in the image, bigs and littles. I stayed where I was and my arms went up in the air like the photo on the Know Dissociation blog and like the arms coming through the shower curtain on the collage. T asked me who was stuck with their arms up. I said it was me. Was lying on her sofa with arms frozen up in the air. T does great body work and is always going to conferences on new techniques. She said she was moving close to me and asked permission to hold my hands while she tried something. After holding both hands she began to explain how what happened was not my fault or anybody's fault. As she spoke she very slowly began lowering my arms. Before my arms were half way down, I was sobbing. It was me at 3. And am pretty sure that was the last time I felt connected to my body.

After the session, she asked which little was speaking to her. I said I didn't know. Maybe it was me at that age...not an alter. Just me at the time I froze and whatever part of me could go into hiding did so. Everyone just wanted out the yuck and to feel clean and safe and warm. When I came home, I felt compelled to do my spa collage. Throughout my healing I had many messages there were three Graces, because of the core splits. The spa collage indicates the three Graces through Philosophy's products--Amazing Grace, Pure Grace, and Baby Grace. Other Philosophy words and products are incorporated.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Most of whatever happened 53 years ago moved out of the stuckness and into a wonderful internal place. Maybe this was my time to become one and have the experience of being one during the memory process. It was a little different, but I was well aware they were MY arms. I love spa time. It was very easy to imagine the wonderful pampering I receive during my spa days and searched the internet for the photos of cleansing and calm for all who were rescued. As quickly as these collages are coming out of me, I obviously have a lot to say without words.

Hope you enjoy this peaceful collage. Wishing all a safe time through this next week.

The "P" word

Those of us who were raised in that underworld of organized pedophilia are considered to be "programmed". We were probably trained to use that word because it evokes incredulity and disbelief. We aren't robots. We aren't computers. They have wanted us to think we were; but if you are reading this blog, you are healing. That would be a decision driven by your own free will. Those under the "mind control" of others have no free will. I propose we not use the word programming to refer to ourselves. I have gone to great lengths not to use it in this blog but wanted to make a point of referring to it today...for a safety reason.

Some believe if they are programmed they must go to a "deprogrammer". It is not necessary to be "deprogrammed" by another person to heal. A good therapist, or at least a willing therapist, can safely guide you to undo whatever you find internally on your own. You become the person who undoes your stuff. If you rely on someone else to "undo" what is there, how can you be sure it is in your best interest? The best therapist/survivor relationship is one where both agree on the methods of treatment.

That being said, I have some thoughts and opinions that do not necessarily reflect that of any or all of my colleagues in psychotherapy with regard to DID. Some therapists use hypnosis beyond that which is typically used in the treatment of DID. Sometimes a drug can be used so the host is not aware of conversations the therapist is having with an alter or alters. I have known survivors who were terrified of being in touch with some parts. In such cases, it may be a good idea to have work done under that type of hypnosis.

What I know of programming I learned from undoing my own with my therapist and hearing the stories of other survivors. A more or less common language is used by recovering survivors--the words used on them by the abusers. It is rare, within my realm of knowledge, that a survivor actually knows how they were programmed.

There are people "out there" in the world who claim to be former programmers who have healed and now are working with survivors to help them undo programming. The first question is, how do you know the former programmer is not still a programmer in another alter state. Programmers are very entrenched in that world and basically have no basis for empathy or emotional attachment. In other words, no scruples with regard to helping the bad guys maintain your dissociation rather than relieve it.

I confess I learned the hard way. When I first began to remember the government stuff, I was terrified of having been "programmed". It brings up all kinds of scary connotations, especially since we're talking about my brain! I was terrified to find a therapist because of FMSF reports blanketing the internet. Since I belonged to a survivor support group, I asked if anyone was aware of someone trustworthy. A woman I very much trusted referred me to a former programmer whom she had spent time with getting a jump start on healing. I wanted a jump start.

I spent a long weekend with the deprogrammer. I did learn a lot from her. She got me headed in the right direction. After that weekend, I maintained regular email contact with her to let her know of my progress. Several months after my visit with her, my system revealed that she had done something to me while I was with her...in a dissociative state. That meant she knew how to test to see if I still responded to certain cues and obviously I did. I think (I hope) all she did was make sure I gave her progress reports. At one point I processed a memory that was huge. I was into the government messages. The email she sent back to me included some phraseology that put me into a tailspin. The spinning was awful and it took me several days before realizing it led back to her email. I then pulled out the collages I had done while I was visiting with her. It was then I knew for certain she had "accessed" me and given me instructions. I stopped contact with her immediately and made sure my survivor friend was aware that, if she had been safe, she was no longer safe.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who can reinforce the old programming when you seek help to undo it. A therapist with little knowledge of how things are done is the safest route. Having someone who can stay with you through the really tough memories and not be phased by it is a wonderful therapist.

As a therapist, I sometimes had been asked by my client to say "x" or do "x" because it would help them undo something. After processing the reason for the request and why they needed me to do it rather than help them through doing it themselves, I did have occasion to help in that manner. Information coming from your system to you is very different than someone else telling you what needs to be done to your system.

You are the client and you have the control to tell a therapist you do not want to engage in a certain kind of therapy. You might change your mind later (as I did with EMDR), but you needn't do anything that feels disturbing to you. That includes any therapist suggesting they use certain tones, touches, or phrases to help activate certain alters or to calm down certain programming. What works for one client does not necessarily work for another. Only you can be the judge of what is right for you.

In the world of healing from such extreme abuse, I know it is difficult to be your own advocate. You need your therapist to be a partner in your healing. If you feel that you must please your therapist by submitting to whatever is suggested, it's not a healthy relationship. Even if the therapist is not hurting you, it is up to you to be okay to ask questions before anything new is tried.

There is nothing that was done to our minds that our minds can't undo by themselves. We are remarkable human beings. We are survivors.

An artistic discovery

Today I was visiting one my favorite blogs, Clarity in the Mist, and found some amazing collages she created at Polyvore. I created an account but haven't had time to play with it yet. It's a way to make collages from images on the web. You can create or import text. And assemble the collages with the mouse and a few web tools instead of piles of magazines and tape and scissors. This is one of the works from Vague's sets (author of Clarity in the Mist).


hush by Vague

I'm for any creative outlet. I couldn't believe the many intricate, beautiful, and haunting collages. Made me want to jump in for hours and "play". Will have to do that another day. Wanted to let my readers know about this wonderful tool.

Thanks to Vague for introducing me to Polyvore.

Insiders disclose precise location

I'm at the point of jumping around to various topics for this blog. Actually, that's more in line with how "stuff" comes up in therapy. The art blog reflects the few images that identified a location for me (including the one shown to the left). It requires some explanation so am using this space for that purpose. A dual-blog post (?). Show and tell.

In my world of art therapy, the more images I had of a place or an alter or an external person, the more prominent it was in my subconscious life. Prominent could mean frequency or intensity of memory. With my military pedophile f*ther, I had memories of several military locations as well as mansions, museums, and other unusual places in my conscious "ordinary" world. My alters seem to know a very upscale wealthy world where consciously I feel extremely uncomfortable. Once I walked into the lobby of The Beverly Hills Hotel just to say I was there. It was so ornate I instantly felt like a pauper and glaringly out of place. Awful feeling. I digress.

Over and over I tore out pictures of building with double chimneys (two single chimneys but spaced a bit of a distance from each other). Then Walter Reed Army Hospital came up in images and internal messages only. No conscious memory. I had so many pictures I started a folder. Buildings with double chimneys, lots of horses, images of big drain pipes, and rollerblading (huh?). The internet became part of my world of answers. I found the photos of Walter Reed and an Annex that was in disarray featured by a group wanting funds to preserve the older part of the property. Strange pictures on that website. One of the annex buildings had two chimneys but I knew it wasn't "my" building. I didn't even know for sure the two chimney building went with Walter Reed. They just went into that file. In looking at the current hospital, nothing "rang a bell" but I did print out a picture of Fire Company #55 that was on the Walter Reed property. You'll see that in the art blog. A quick review: double chimney building, no specific known location but "someone" put it with Walter Reed, and a fire truck in front of the hospital with #55.

Synchronously, I met a woman (K) through my online survivor group who lived in DC. She invited me to join her for a tour of the Annex being given by the restoration society. K had conscious memories of abuse at the Annex and the records to prove it. Anytime a survivor visits a place of abuse, we walk a fine line. We risk totally freaking out but don't want to arouse suspicion by military guards or security in the area. My friend had few dissociated memories and was in control. I thought it would be nice to meet her and my then husband was agreeable to make the drive and wander about with us. The day of the visit I left my folder of images at home. I didn't even think to take a camera.

I met K at her home and met her lovely family. She drove us to the Annex. It was a lovely day to wander. We had much to speak about. She was the first survivor of similar abuse I'd met in person. She knew one building intimately...knowing how she had been brought there, what had been done to her, where it was done, and who had done it. While husband and I pretended to be oblivious, she snuck up the stairs evading the Marine guards and took photos of the door where she had been traumatized on the other side. We were so grateful she wasn't caught and we hadn't been thrown out. I'm the "invisible", "don't make waves" type. Or was. lol. Not true now with these blogs.

Nothing at the Annex set my radar off although I began to feel dizzy and slightly triggered. After we sufficiently wandered the Annex grounds, she offered to drive over to the hospital area. Why not? It was the weekend and she had to drive past three entrances as she went around the block to find the one entrance open that day--the entrance approaching the hospital from the rear.

One building blocked the view until she got past it. A large fence had a very visible sign warning of NO ROLLERBLADING. That was it. I went nuts. My eyes refocused from the sign close up to the double chimneys in the background. I switched to a babbling little pointing to the building. It wasn't a hospital building. Husband identified it as an incinerator building which caused little's screaming. As the car drove around the fenced off area of the hospital toward the incinerator building, I noticed very large metal piping (what I called drainage pipe in my images) around the top and sometimes down the side of the huge structure. I don't recall if it was explained as wastewater, but it was some type of waste being led away from the building. My clues were playing out before my eyes.

I also knew from the images that the building had a window that looked to be glass blocks. I actually like that kind of architectural feature. The closer we got to the incinerator building the more I became the blithering terrified little. I wasn't sure if I was freaking K out, but since she had children of her own, she had reassuring and calming words. The building indeed had a "window" of glass squares--light could get through but no one could see in or out. At the side of the building, a door was open with a small stairway. I won't disclose what I asked but obviously some horrid trauma took place with watching something being incinerated. K offered to take pictures of the building and send them to me. I was so focused on the building, dealing with flashbacks, and noticing what my body was doing and how I sounded, I saw nothing else.

After taking photos, K drove beyond the side of the building. My head stayed fixated on the chimneys and the detail. My images showed the detail of the "circles" that went around the chimneys from top to bottom. When I finally turned my head to face forward (with the hospital behind me), immediately to the left was Fire Station #55.

That experience proved to me that I would likely one day be able to validate the unknown locations of certain buildings or other landmarks through my clues. And there would always be a final validating clue. In other words, if that had been the third location I identified from my collages, I would have said, "I'll know for sure this is the place if there is a fire company #55." And that's the way the story of my life has unfolded since.

Note: It is documented that Walter Reed Army Hospital was the recipient of MK-Ultra funds for psychiatric experiments. It was also the site for many of the Department of Energy's Human Radiation Experiments.

Internal hospital room

Earlier in this blog I addressed the benefit to having dedicated rooms in your safe place to process various emotions or work through internal conflicts, as well as individual rooms for each alter settling in after making the choice to heal or be safe. Yesterday I wrote about a technique for helping to diffuse or identify harm intentions instilled in some alters. While some may not be in a place to use "The Halfway House" technique, there is a way to help some alters through use of a hospital room.

Sometimes an alter feels most safe in a hospital or feels a need to be in a hospital to prevent certain behaviors. If you have adult caretakers and/or protectors who are available for 24-hour protection and care, an alter can check into the internal hospital to be assured of not having access to unsafe objects or body movements. Other safe alters can visit and the alter can stay as long s/he has a need. Of course you can adapt for more than one alter. Your only limitation is your imagination to provide what your insiders need.

Often those with DID refuse to go to the hospital for many reasons and "threaten" to switch to a very competent alter if 911 is called or whenever they must be interviewed by the hospital psychiatrist. I know this does happen as does just about every other therapist who works with survivors with DID. With an internal hospital room, I could be assured that the unsafe alter would stay in the hospital room until the next session.

You might know other reasons a hospital room would be beneficial. It could be decorated to be the most comforting to the alter. Littles can have bright colors and lots of toys. Adults might prefer a sterile hospital white environment while others might want it to look the least like a hospital room and protectors not to look like doctors or nurses. You get to make your own rules.

Today I had a check up with my family doctor and the nurse had a Chip n' Dale cartoon scrubs top on. Made me giggle. I'd want that in the real world all the time for medical staff!

Diffusing harm alters

This is a technique my system already developed for me. I haven't seen it written as a technique anywhere. Will share trying to translate from both survivor/therapist perspective. I firmly believe this safe way of acting out harm programming saved my life...likely more than once. To engage in this technique, you must have acquired several coping skills and be comfortable with them. One is the ability to watch from the screening room a/k/a projection room.

Secondly, you must have protectors or caretaker alters who are strong and say they have the ability to do this. You can ask after you get all the details. If you don't have strong protectors, you can place protectors inside of you for this purpose. I tended to internalize television or movie characters who were strong and safe (to me). Some actors look kinda scary. I chose protectors who could handle me as a little...hugs were safe and telling me something was not okay was heeded (sorta). Loving discipline. But also able to handle adult who came out swinging or wanting to engage in harmful activities to self or others. You can use superheroes too.

Hopefully you have a main protector who will work with you on doing this because modifications might be needed for this to work in your system. My first cue to using what I called "The Halfway House" was feeling an urgency to SI or run away or go away or acquire something harmful. The purpose of the halfway house is to watch an alter act out his or her "programming" (trained job) in a safe manner.

I started out with the setting being my safe place. But I watched as a movie and "placed" the alter in the setting. Sometimes I didn't know which alter was causing the compulsions but she would show up when I did this technique. For me, I almost always had adult or little females, but occasionally had a young male alter.

These were the rules for the halfway house:
Only one alter in the halfway house at a time.
All necessary internal resources are available.
No matter what the alter does, s/he will be saved/rescued/live.
Once saved, the alter remains in protective care somewhere in the system where s/he can heal because she will have seen what was supposed to have happened to her/the body.

This may be triggering to some because of unhealed messages of SI. And if you are able to make this resource available, SI alters are welcome to come forward and ask to use it. Other times you may have to use it to be safe because you *know* something bad is supposed to happen.

This is a movie. You watch it as an adult which means littles are in a safe place unless there are littles who go with the alter to be in the halfway house. (By the way, you can call this place whatever you like.) I used to have an army of protectors initially...about eight because I could outsmart (at least temporarily) whatever safety measures were in place. I haven't used the halfway house in a very long time, thank goodness, although I used it briefly when Ellie was feeling so sad, wondering why she felt she needed to die and if she had a "plan".

In my internal world, I lived in a lovely mansion :-) My room had it's own bathroom which was always a source of concern for protectors. Because you know the kind of trouble we can get into in there! A protector was always assigned to keep guard over the bedroom and *me*. I was/am a different kind of child/adult as the inner adult. Thank goodness I've stopped acting out all that sh*t.

Whatever your set up is, have a separate contained room as part of the main safe place to begin with the halfway house. All protectors assigned to the halfway house will have their strategy which you don't need to know. You just need to watch to make sure you have time to follow through...when you are ready to go to bed at night, go inside and watch. Or take time for a nap but do this exercise instead. What you learn about the alter's ultimate objective may be upsetting to you so self care coping skills are also essential.

Ready? Let the protectors give you the "go ahead". You go into the movie screening room and sit back and watch as one of you takes up residence in the halfway house. Will give you an example. The movie starts and I can hear water running. A protector checks on the occupant and sees she is taking a shower which looks innocent enough. She confesses to wanting to cut so protector makes sure no razors are in shower area or in bathroom/bedroom at all. Alter becomes frustrated, angry, enraged and begins to scream and pound fists on glass shower wall. Protectors coaching her through anger but want her out of the glass enclosure to continue (safe anger). Sudden loud crashing of glass as alter throws herself through the glass landing on the floor cut and bleeding.

Immediate 911 call and protectors tending to her. She is fine at (internal) hospital. You and your system now know what was supposed to have happened--cut self any way possible with major damage. Now alter's messages can be healed. The lies about her having to die can be addressed.

Sometimes I've watched the alter sneak out of the house and take off in a car to go somewhere isolated. Magic works for the halfway house. For instance, if alter goes to jump off building, you can have Superman get to her. Or instantly there is fire department below who can catch her. Whatever you see happening, she will rescued and live. That's the rule.

A few internal techniques. Protectors knew how to anticipate escapist behaviors. GPS on car to track whereabouts. Cell phone with GPS if she finds GPS on car. There's always a one upmanship in strategy.

Feel free to ask questions. Have never attempted to put this into writing before. It should work for all as long as you have the strength and coping skills noted in the beginning. If not, and you are in therapy, maybe your therapist can help you through a similar scenario during a session. Wishing all of you a safe December.

What if an alter wants to die?

For several years I attended S.M.A.R.T. conferences to learn more about the abuse I had endured and meet fellow survivors I had met online in a support group. I also attended numerous sessions each day. I'm not recalling the name of the presenter, and my comments in no way are meant to be critical of her, but I did have a strong reaction to her topic. I'm leading into this topic slowly because it is potentially very triggering. The ultimate conclusion should be a decision made by both you and your therapist in a thoughtful caring way and in a way that is right for you and your system. It's not a decision anyone can make for you.

The survivor presentation was focused on how she allowed an alter to die, only after much thought, internal discussion, and discussion with her therapist. The system honored the alter's wishes, allowed her to die, and gave her a funeral. The survivor felt relieved and the overwhelming sadness that had swept the system by the alter was a release for all. The special internal ceremony honored the alter's deep desire to die. I didn't stay for the entire presentation. I felt so opposed to allowing any part of me to die. It was my first or second year of healing and I was too raw to listen. That was never going to happen to me. Period.

A few years later, following my second integration, Ellie came forward overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I did not understand at the time she had become disconnected from Jane internally and that was the source of her distress. I just knew the integration caused her to feel isolated and severely depressed. I was not certain I would survive her strong desire to die. During one of my therapy sessions during that time, I asked if maybe I should allow Ellie to die if that's what she needed to do. Otherwise, I was afraid her wishes would cross over into my consciousness making me actively suicidal. We discussed the various options and Ellie was able to express her wishes. She did not want to live in the body. It was decided that part of her would integrate into my male inner wisdom (who was simultaneously inside the body and out in the greater universal consciousness (my best term). The rest of her was allowed to disperse into the astral plane. Ellie lived on in a different way inside me and beyond.

I don't know if part of her returned or a part of her never left that I felt the sadness since October that went with her and the two littles in the "feeling of death." Those three did integrate and I explained how Ellie had integrated into me while Jane was a separate entity sharing conscious space with me. It was the reunion of Ellie and Janie/Jane that drove this final integration.

What if I had allowed Ellie to die as she wished? Would integration have been able to be complete ever for me? Was it part of the abusers' plan that Ellie wanting to die would keep me from ever fully healing? Today in one of my quiet moments when I could have an internal conversation with Jane, she shared that it was planned that Ellie would be separated from her because that emotional bond of Ellie needing to be joined with Jane drove the integration last week. I had hoped to share space with Jane equally to have a satisfactory life working with her. My therapist did point out that for several years I've been not sure of wanting to know "everything" if I fully integrated. Well the integration happened, much to my surprise, and in a gulp of "OMG, it's happening." In feeling that rush of love between Ellie and Jane, I knew it was right regardless of my personal feelings.

I have not had any flooding of memories. I have had slow messages and clarification. I knew from the time I was diagnosed that I was meant to integrate to heal. And my inner wisdom did lead my healing. It was planned from beginning to end. There were no accidents. Why doesn't that happen for everyone? I wish I could clone my inner wisdom and send him to all who are struggling. When all else was bleak, I had/have such unrelenting faith for this higher self who somehow came to be with me.

The good news is that all have an inner wisdom who can help and guide. Sometimes that protector communicates to the therapist rather than the body to aid the healing. Many are afraid of who is inside them. Step 1: Embrace your parts. If I can offer any advice on how to best begin, that is it.

Such a tricky path we have to take toward healing. The abusers set us up to fail at healing at every turn. Listen to your heart. Make the decisions you KNOW are right for you. If you aren't sure on matters such as this, time is on your side. Wait until you do know the answer. I am ever so glad Ellie was able to express her wish wasn't to die as much as not to be connected to the body. She is connected now with her beloved Jane and she is so happy.

Photo: If Ellie had been allowed to die, she would have died in the highly traumatized state shown in the art blog. Instead she lived to heal to be a beautiful and loving part of me.

Bracing for the holiday

For survivors of organized pedophilia, Thanksgiving is the foreboding of Christmas. While it may be joyful to give presents and share with friends at a certain point in healing, Christmas is a very difficult day for survivors on many levels. If you are a friend or support person of a survivor, it's good to understand. You needn't change your own traditions, but a few modifications could help ease anxiety. Survivors are invited to add comments to more fully expand this message.

What might appear to be a peaceful holiday scene in the photo might be viewed from a survivor's perspective as: scary fire, boxes that hold scary things, Santa (who is someone who sexually abused them as a child), or even feelings of shame instilled for wanting presents. Christmas is never about religion (except for a very warped version) or joy. It's singled out as one of the more abusive times for a pedophile gathering to instill deep trauma into victims while the pedophiles engage in their perversions.

I recall feeling sickened after my first memory of father abuse when my sister told me that my father (who was born and raised Jewish) was going to be Santa at the area shopping mall. Any Santa with little kids is terrifying to me even though I logically know not all who play Santa are pedophiles. Recently a very distasteful ad appeared on television for erectile dysfunction. The spokesperson was a man dressed as Santa with a long line of adult woman waiting to sit in his lap. You can't imagine the revulsion survivors have to such images.

How to help
Wrapped packages/boxes were used to disguise disgusting and terrifying items. Use gift bags for survivor gifts. The openness feels safer.

If you are comfortable asking the survivor if anything in the environment is causing distress and you are willing to remove any object during the visit, by all means do so. Just offering may be sufficient to put the survivor more at ease.

If there is a gathering where Santa is to appear in costume, make sure the survivor knows that in advance. Perhaps s/he would be willing to move to another room to feel more comfortable.

Changing the tradition
As with any holiday, survivors can create their own traditions or changes as they progress through healing. Those in the early stages of healing may elect to avoid holiday gatherings. My SO and I now exchange gifts on Christmas Eve and enjoy his family gathering of watching them open gifts on Christmas Day. We eased into it because I was always trying to get him to allow me to open presents the night before. Now he understands that it feels safe for me and I appreciate that it is okay with him now too.

Christmas is known as a depressing time of year for many. The economy this year alone could create an even greater impact. However, survivors wrestle constantly with wishing they could enjoy some of the holiday while staving off the depression that surrounds the many Christmases that were made horrendous days of abuse in the past.

Other typically benign objects may be triggers. Do you know what to do if your friend or SO has a panic attack or a frightened little takes over? If not, ask. Lacking an answer from the survivor, reassurance of current safety and offer of helping move her to a comforting room with a quilt and possibly a stuffed animal may help to calm the little as well as ease the panic attack. The survivor may be frightened to be left alone once separated. Coping skills are breathing slowly, calming words, calming music. Does the person need to call her therapist? What does she need if isolation from the trigger and reassurance of safety don't work? Asking is good.

I recall a party I attended in my early years of healing where I walked into the kitchen where several men had gathered and bottles of liquor were strewn about. I got so dizzy I nearly passed out. I made it back to my SO in a little's state asking to go home. A memory surfaced later about the trigger of men and alcohol for me.

Surprises and gags
Surprises and gags are not only not funny, the panic of even a good surprise could trigger a memory. You don't want to give a survivor a surprise party. In looking for an appropriate photo for this post, I came across one showing Santa from the back as he was flashing the people in front of him. That's not funny to us. It's sick. So, if you know a survivor will be visiting your home, you might want to avoid the anatomically correct Santa cookies or gingerbread men.

Yes, we have a lot of emotional baggage and holiday trauma. It takes a long time to diffuse. You can also be a part of the healing journey by being a good friend and understanding ally.

Time out from the guilt

Most people without a history of trauma have a fairly large pile of guilt they haul around with them. Children of abuse that lasts for years and possibly decades have guilt instilled in them. I'm not going to tackle that topic now. I'd like to offer a way to start easing out of guilt-bound decisions in every day life. By learning to free yourself of the little guilts (that still feel rather enormous), it can help prepare for the day when you will be ready in therapy to work on that very deep-seated guilt that was drilled into you.

It's a simple concept that I know is not simple to implement. After reading it, consider pondering what it would mean, and try it out on someone who knows you well and knows you are trying to make changes. It's a change in mindset and behavior to conquer the "small" task of saying "No" to a request.

I don't recall where/when I first heard the phrase, but I often used it with my own clients. "Don't SHOULD on yourself." A "should" is, "I feel like I have to but don't really want to." A "should" can be broken down into two definitive statements: "Yes, I want to do 'x'." or "No, I don't want to do 'x'."

The first easy change is realizing when you use the word "should" and notice it is something you want to do. Change the language to match the feeling. "I want to do 'x'." Why is this difficult? Of course survivors want to please everyone and don't dare do anything for themselves because that would be selfish, yes? Your job is to keep everyone happy so nothing gets out of hand and scary. Well, no it's not, but that's the message you got growing up. You had to obey the abusers, please them, behave in ways you believed would keep them happy. But that really didn't work because they would hurt you anyway. Pleasing someone is not within your control. You can only control you--your thoughts, your behaviors, your actions, choices.

An example:
You are out to lunch with friends on a Saturday. All are having a good time and lunch lasts past the time you allotted. You really want to get home by a certain time or get to another place by a certain time. You might say "I really should get going now." The response is all your friends cajoling you into staying. They would miss you. They wouldn't have as much fun without you. You feel torn. You WANT to leave but feel guilty about hurting your friends' feelings.

The reality is that as soon as you leave, your friends will go on having a good time. Think in reverse. How do you feel if you are in a group and someone says, "Excuse me, but I have to leave now. I've had a great time." And off they go. Are you angry? Do you judge them? Do you think less of them for having left? Usually the answer is "no" to all questions. Slight change in your language, "I've had a great time, but I'm off to catch the 2 o'clock show of James Bond. Talk to you soon!" or..."I WANT to catch a movie I've been looking forward to seeing."

Start practicing in situations where you have the least risk because it will feel awful initially even when you are justified. What your friends feel or think or say is out of your control under any circumstances. Make choices that provide you with balance in your life. Let the guilt go. Stop shoulding on yourself. Make a "want" or "don't want" decision. It's toughest in the beginning to know your heart WANTS but you feel that tug of guilt.

Try it. Practice saying "I'd rather not, but thank you for asking" if "No" seems like a cruel world. It helps at work too. Getting rid of the shoulds in your life frees up your time to focus on more important issues, like life enriching choices. It doesn't all have to be about pleasing and healing.

Poof - Depression has lifted

Yesterday's integration/fusion magical moment was quite noticeable today and I even understand the dynamics of why. This goes with my initial personal (or inner wisdom?) theory that I had to integrate so alters holding only one awful emotion would be able to experience a spectrum of emotions. They would not be stuck forever only knowing one emotion that went with the trauma.

The final two adults who comprised me were Jane and Grace. The alter who was most attached to Jane and loved her in a motherly fashion had integrated into me. Hence the sadness that came from the "feeling of death" that went with Ellie. Even though Ellie integrated several weeks ago, I was still feeling very sad. At the surprising moment I felt me (Grace) join with Jane's consciousness or being, Ellie was reunited and that was the deep and wonderful loving feeling that surged through me.

I don't understand all of the splitting and connections, but I do understand young Janie and Ellie's connection which has endured throughout my healing. I woke up today feeling good. My mood has been "chipper" all day. I smiled more. I did some fun things. Was able to do my walk with BB for more than 20 minutes. Made a date to watch a good friend drum next week. I've been so withdrawn and unsocial. I even made the phone call to my friend whose been trying to reach me for several weeks. No return calls when I'm too sad.

Yesterday was a good thing. That was a long haul. I know it was an integration. And it feels like there is no one else around. But who knows with DID. I wish I could say there will never be another agonizing healing event to wade through. I do hope, though, that life gives me a bit of a break so I can build up my muscles and strength again without having such intense emotional issues. All of 2009 would be a good break... Maybe a celebration of having my life back in 2010 with a return trip to Italy.

Something happened today

I had a rather remarkable therapy session today. I shared the details in Grace Uncensored because I thought it was more of a personal reflection than a help to survivors. That healing event I'd had but never felt that "magical" moment of integration did happen today.

Am I fully integrated now? Have I been integrated but experienced fusion? What textbook term do I use? I just know that externally I am now one instead of a select few. All had been integrated into a few. And now those few are one, to include the birth child who is now the strong adult blogging advocate. Soon I will post the alter pictures of Jane. I did not know she was the core child until recently. But it explains why she was so prominent in my now dismantled system.

My wish is a balance of my joy and happiness with her intensity and seriousness along with a plan to schedule the day so we fulfill the rest of my life in a satisfying manner. We will have blogging and advocacy time, healing energy work time to rebuild body strength and stamina, and time to have fun with the Pleos and turtles and fun videos and renewing of the fun in my relationship with my SO. It's been a long 18 months without much connection there either. Time for renewal and connection.

I am happy to report that complete healing or integration need not be attained to have a fully functioning life back. Any healing beyond that point is icing on the cake.

Do littles grow up?

Much confusion surrounds alters and healing. One question often heard is whether littles (young alters) grow up. Several circumstances may happen for a little in the realm of healing.

A little might always remain a little, which is fine. The objective for any little is for him/her to heal. You want to know a transformation has happened from traumatized little to content, playful, or happy little. The reality is some may remain scared especially around certain triggers, but they know they are safe now. By using magazine images, I could clearly see when a little healed. Others can see clearly in their minds when an alter has any change in appearance or mannerism. My first preteen client used to draw how her alters looked after they were healed to acknowledge them.

It is possible for the same alter to appear as several ages. It's unlikely you will find all at once. Finding another alter with the same name is a good clue. And they will know inside they are connected. I have Lucy as the little girl in my first art blog, as a young woman, and as a woman in her 30s. I don't know why Lucy seems to have ceased to exist at what seemed to be age 5-7 until late teens or early 20s. Possibly perps called her back out when the body was older. Although different ages of alters don't necessary correlate to the age of the body.

Soon I will do several images of an "older" female protector who I realize now was only an infant/toddler, an introject (?) of my little sister who had no hair until she was about 3 years old. My alter was always shown as bald. Many of my youngest memories included the "bald" female protector.

I suppose it is possible for all alters representing the same person to decide to blend or merge or whatever word you want to use. As far as I know, that did not happen with me. The different ages had their own stories. Little Lucy reintegrated with Audrey when they healed (the two were originally one).

I did have a little who grew up. There was an exponentially faster rate of growing up internally than in the real world. The little 5-year-old integrated in a very emotional letting go for both of us. She turned up about a year later as an adult protector providing me with much information. I was thrilled to see her back. Don't ask how I knew it was her. Messages happen.

Whatever happens when a survivor heals is right for that survivor. No rules apply. The transformation of healing can take on many variations. Usually amazing things happen for a survivor during the healing of an alter who was active as a victim of much abuse.

Littles missed out on being loved and cherished and protected unconditionally. They missed out on safe play and safe touch and having anything of their own. Healed littles, I believe, become the basis for what singletons know as their inner child. Even in ego state therapy with those who have never experienced trauma, the child ego state is complex and incudes several child parts. I believe I have one integral...main...inner child and most of the others healed into her. I seem to have about three littles who make up the entirety of my inner child.

Perhaps readers know of the movie Fight Club. The first rule of fight club is not to talk about fight club. We have a DID "club" here. The first rule of DID club is that there are no rules to each survivor's healing process. You can't compare what happens for you to any other survivor. As long as you are moving toward healing, you're doing well.

New blog features art healing journey

Today another spoke was added to my wheel of blogs: The Art Journey of Grace. In going through one of my many boxes of images and collections of images and completed collages, I decided I'd like to share some of my images and collages with readers to explain how my system communicated much information to me.

Unless I'm specifically asked, I plan to stay away from anything that is too graphical. Of course any survivor art is conveying trauma, although there is also a poignancy to the healing of dissociated selves, the internal nurturing and cooperation, and the resolution of those final missing pieces to a memory.

I've also added my turtle blog to my list of related blogs, now called Blogs by Grace. Hopefully it will be a fun place to visit for a change in mood after the intensity of healing from DID. And also a happy place for the littles to visit with links to fun turtle and Pleo videos.

My first blog entry to Art Journey is the first image of a little, Lucy. Coincidentally, my most recent post in the turtle blog features my tortoise Lucy. There is no connection of which I'm aware. In fact, my SO named her to go with our Pleos Linus and Schroeder. Guess it was time for me to crossover to my first blogging love, Nemo the Unturtle.

How can we know the truth?

Much of this blog has been focused on how confusing memories are to piece together, the tricks used by perps regarding the surroundings, a double language and double binds used on us as children. So how is it that we can know for sure who was an abuser?

Links are provided in the sidebar to some of the best in the field regarding trauma memory and how it is stored differently. I've used examples before but, as a reminder, those who recall the assassination of John F. Kennedy know where they were at the moment they heard, the feelings of the moment. Some remember smells, others great detail of the location...a kind of surreal experience to recall. If you've ever been in an automobile accident, you might recall the event in slow motion, what song was playing on the radio. If it had been raining during the accident, it's possible rainy days still cause some distress to your driving experience. The most recent moment in our history that was traumatic for the nation was on 9/11. The trauma of knowing, seeing, hearing...for many, feeling loss of a loved one. All sensory experience is frozen in that moment or moments of trauma.

In spite of the trauma memory being locked in from several perspectives by different aged alters with intentional confusion and attempts at making us believe that what happened never happened, we remember. And, over the course of time, the abusers remain constant (in or out of costume) for some period of life. Some alters and/or protectors remember very clearly. It has been proven time and again through drawings and descriptions through journals of survivors that incidents were recalled with remarkable accuracy, locations were internally recorded with uncanny details, and faces and voices were remembered. What comes out as a survivor's story is for the survivor to heal. The objective is healing, not suing abuser(s). What we come to know with great clarity as names, locations, faces, and sometimes dates are conveyed to us by those inside who remembered with clear "mind" and stored the information for later release.

In my personal experience, names rarely surfaced, but faces did. In doing collages, I'd find myself cutting out pictures of people. Over time, I consciously noticed that many images looked like the same person and I'd make collages for that one person. At the time I wouldn't know if it was an outside person or an inside person...very strange concept to grasp, I would imagine, for anyone who has not had inside people. Most of my collages were done in the first two years of my healing. Also in those first two years, abusers in my world at the time I was a child became known to me through researching, in documentaries, in magazines. I knew because the images cut from magazines so starkly resembled the perp collage and something about the perp's history matched my own history. This process is, of course, not admissable in court, but is sufficient validation to heal. It doesn't matter what others believe. We know without a doubt when we receive internal and external validation simultaneously and have our drawings and/or collages and journals to back it up. It's usually accompanied by a hugely triggered response to matching the name with the person or vice-versa.

I guess it boils down to that the alters can use whatever skills they have "backwards" to help in the healing process. Amnesia is a strange state of mind. Those who suffer from or who have even healed from DID still don't know what it's like to have a mind that functions for someone who grew up in a loving family without trauma. We know it gets better at a certain point in healing. We can tell when there has a been a shift in the way our brains process information after healing takes place. That happened for me after any merger, blending, integration of parts. I have used a gearshift as a metaphor for how it feels when parts integrate. I used to drive stick shift. Have no other metaphor that seems to fit. While there is a sharing of consciousness after an integration that wasn't there before, there is not a smooth transition from one alter to the other. There is still a feeling of separateness but in a different way. Over time it becomes more of a smoother process and feeling of togetherness.

I've heard from other survivors and have read in authoritative psychology books by those who have never been dissociative that true integration means *I* will have ownership of the memories. My life before my current medical difficulties was good. I hear I was a good therapist. Yet I still feel as if I've been told my story by others inside and *know* enough to understand my fragmentation and healing process. It does not feel as if it happened to me. Maybe my *complete* healing is still down the road. Or maybe sometimes what the books say should happen, doesn't happen for all.

Regardless of our individual truths, we all simply want to feel in control of our lives again. To feel that we have our lives back internally and externally. Others can stand back and judge the content of memories or watch the person blossom and grow and heal from processing their trauma. The truth that we do know about the abusers and the locations, in spite of being sometimes 30 to 40 years after the fact, can be used, if others would hear, to find the places that continue their lacivious activities to this day...where no one has ever bothered to look...or locations that have been so protected by community leaders involved in the charade that the secrecy is assured.

We, the survivors, want to be heard. We want to help future generations from experiencing our pain of having been born into an incestuous family or similar circumstances. Collaborating the truths of survivors recalling the same locations can be the blueprint for planning a new strategy to stop the madness. Why is that so unreasonable...or unbelievable?

My wish and goal is for this change to come to our nation...for people of good hearts and minds to stand back and find what is truth...to ask questions of those who have been denying our truth for decades...to help the children stuck in that world and honor and help those who have survived.

Self care day

Most trauma survivors, especially of sophisticated abuse, dread holidays. Time to self-care. If going to another's home, put a security object in bag for the littles. Bring a grounding object like a small stone or charm you can hold in hand. Take breathers in a room by yourself or go outside for a break.

Don't worry about what others might think. If you start to feel dizzy, woozy, triggered, move away from wherever you are. "Excuse me, I'll be back soon." "Yes, I'm fine, I just need to be alone for a bit." Unless you have a support person with you, in which case you can ask that person to accompany you if you like.

Breathe. Remember calming, grounding, and containment skills. You will be okay.

Find a different meaning for the day that is special for you, if you can. My SO's niece has a new baby and her son is adorable. I like just being around them and other SO family members regardless of date.

The mind-boggling realization

The Blooming Lotus addressed this topic yesterday. It reminded me of how earth-shattering my realization was...and how it resulted in a breakdown before I was able to accept the truth and what it meant to my life. I was about a year into my healing before this moment of clarity so those who are not at least that far along in healing, be forewarned.

The level of abuse beginning in infancy ensures shattering of the mind. Not all who have DID have the birth child (a/k/a "the core") go into hiding. If the abuse becomes so constant and overwhelming, however, the core goes into hiding and lets the alters take over the life. Part of adult healing is for the core to resurface and participate in the current life in whatever form is right for the individual. That means the person who is healing from the abuse is an alter. One alter of however many were created by the abuse intentionally and unintentionally. My personal belief is that several of my protectors created their own system for healing one day. If not, it means abusers created alters that had their own wills and did what they wanted inside instead of following out of fear and intimidation.

A child whose perpetrators have sophisticated knowledge of deliberately inducing dissociation (and there is documentation that this was being done), will have far more dissociated selves than a child who splits from extreme abuse by one or two maniacal parents. Numbers are irrelevant and no one should be judged on how many were created. What matters is that healing can happen regardless of numbers. The point is that one of that sizeable number is the conscious child. *I* have the conscious memory of my life. All formerly dissociated parts know the rest of the story or part of the rest of the story. And alters throughout the life of the victim/survivor take over for moments, or minutes, or hours, or days to block the conscious child from knowing what is dangerous to know.

Yesterday's post about facial and name recognition goes with this. During abuse, the alters are constantly threatened with revealing identities. I do know at least one survivor who recalls not being allowed to look at the faces of abusers. She could remember anyone's shoes though. I have many pictures of men's shoes in my collages. I could logically state they might be there for that reason but I don't have my own answer. Another survivor commented on yesterday's post that she sees through people or sees a blur or blob. That is likely an alter whose job it is to make sure she doesn't remember people. If a survivor has current safety, the alter causing that to happen can be acknowledged and offered healing or a new job of possibly helping the conscious self to remember.

In terms of being the conscious self of a dissociated entity, the realization is that the survivor's world has been controlled all along--what is seen, heard, remembered, known. My mind was trained to control me, for fear something awful would happen to them or me if they did not do their assigned jobs.

Being dissociative is weird, to say the least. Until I was 44, I had no clue as to any dissociation on my part. Everything was linked together in a way that I had absolutely no "leakage" of what went on in any dissociative state. I had several instances during my healing where conscious me had the experience of having been dissociative. In other words, I realized I had missed time, or had done something out of my awareness. My most recent experience was the highway hypnosis that had me "waking up" driving in an unknown area calling for the helicopter lift out of there. (That would be my SO.)

The strangest dissociative experience I had was a few years ago during a phone call with my SO. I usually monopolize the conversation and had been talking for several minutes. When I stopped, he said something totally irrelevant to what I had just asked. After some great confusion I realized I was seemingly talking (consciously hearing my own conversation), but another alter was having a different conversation with him. Obviously, a brain works very differently.

I don't recall the statistic, but humans usually use only a small percentage of their brain. Obviously sophisticated perps know how to tap into all that unused space. The mind is capable of amazing things. Too bad it is being used to hurt people. Why isn't that same knowledge available to help people with greater functioning?

Because of my healing, I no longer feel the disconnection of being an alter with no true choices or willpower. I feel empowered and connected although I still struggle with ongoing healing at a much slowed down pace...usually. Even when no longer DID, there is some dissociation.

One of my first collages shows a child lying in the grass...hidden alone. The words beneath the baby: A Strategic Alteration of Reality. Ain't that the truth.